I had an immediate flash back to a conversation I had in 2015 with my doctor while struggling with fertility, pretty sure that day I was in the office feeling a little defeated and had a WTF NOW face on. The conversation went a little something like…”right now Kyla it’s difficult but you’ll be back in here asking me for contraception once you have a successful pregnancy, the body has a way of rebalancing all of your hormones after pregnancy”… I think I remember giving a big sigh then telling him ‘yes I’ll be back doc, asking you to take my uterus out so I don’t have to deal with any fertility issues!’ it’s safe to report I didn’t have my uterus extracted nor did I go back asking for contraception, which has landed me where I am today.
Pregnant! when I called to share the news with my mum she asked, “but how?” I bursted into laughter I thought I’d have to explain to my mum the high school health studies teacher the story of the birds and the bees, obviously her question was related to if I had been secretly doing IVF again however,
the second time around pregnancy happened naturally.
I wouldn’t of believed it had it not happened to me my doctor was right! Funny enough I did see him 3 months after having Ryder and he did write me a prescription for the contraceptive my first thought was YES! give it to me, followed by the thought of; it was time to just give my body a break from any hormone altering, inhibiting, releasing, type of drug and let it do whatever it wanted to do. After all I had been taking fertility drugs for 2 years before I became pregnant with Ryder through IVF. I still took the prescription he wrote in case I changed my mind but, between dinner at the restaurant, getting in my husbands car and arriving at the house it vanished! I gave it no extra thought and carried on life as a new mum.
Then just like seeing a new puppy who needs a home I started looking back at baby photos and I wanted a new baby and that new baby feeling again! This is something I didn’t think I would feel but it’s true I’d look at Ryder, I’d look at hospital pictures and at over 2000 odd photos of my growing belly and Ryder I have on my phone and realised…
‘this is what clucky feels like and how families get bigger, a mum forgets all about the pain, suffering, lack of sleep and you actually want to put yourself through it all over again’
I’m suprised I felt this way she, (the past me) who knew a child/family was always in her plan of life but never really had that burning desire to be a mum was ready to do it all over again and so soon after her first! I remember laying with Ryder looking at him just knowing he needed a sibling someone to grow up with close in age and I kept thinking about my age I was 30 when he was born I think my mum had finished having all 5 children by 30 and I knew Alex wanted another 3 major reasons I didn’t go hunting or blaming ‘someone’ for hiding my prescription.
As luck would have it once I realised I was late I secretly went off to have a blood test the greatest birthday gift I could think of giving him was telling him that we were pregnant and that evening we listened to the heartbeat for the first time.
Now 6 months along in my 2nd pregnancy it did take us some time to come to terms with being pregnant again after struggling for so long to have Ryder, but I guess regardless of circumstances there is always that possibility and for those who may read this who are or were struggling
I hope my story brings you some comfort or hope in the possibility of experiencing what I call the every day miracle most take for granted.
The first trimester had me thinking it would be another boy as everything was the same, the nausea, food aversions, tiredness, it was exactly as I remembered it. There was no time to feel pitty for myself, 3 dogs a husband and a 6 month old will do that to you. However I did feel guilty for not being able to give all my energy to our son,
the reasoning area of my brain reminded me ‘it’s fine he wont remember how slack you’re being’
and since then the experience of living learning and
evolving growing baby2 while raising our first born has been amazing. We are expecting a little girl and are so excited, I’m also slightly relieved as I feel absolutely no pressure to have another for me 1 of each is perfect but we’ll see, I’ll try not to look back on photos or let contraceptive prescriptions ‘disappear’ I now have new found respect and appreciation for mothers especially my own and the ultimate lesson I’ve learnt the second time around is how phenomenal being a woman and mother is.
I am living, learning, evolving and expecting!