It took exactly 2 years to become successfully pregnant with the help of fertility treatment, during this time there were life lessons I learnt that helped keep me from giving up on what sometimes would seem like a never-ending battle I was losing. I learnt patience wasn’t passive, life needed to be lived and required being present, and how achieving small goals kept things in perspective and would some day lead to the ultimate goal of; a successful pregnancy.
When I look back on my journey patience took on new meaning during this time I came to understand it was more than just about waiting,
patience required commitment to the cause and actively pursuing it.
Each month over the course of 2 years I would have blood tests early in the morning, I would return to collect the results before lunch to take to my scans in the afternoon. I would take hormone injections nightly for up to 2 week sometimes much longer and have regular checks to ensure the dosages were right. I joked that I felt like a lab rat being poked, prodded and scanned. I knew if I just kept doing what was required we’d ultimately have success.
To be honest I think it’s the only time in my life that I stayed persistent in actively working towards the bigger goal of having a baby while patiently waiting.
I learnt living and staying present was important.
This meant staying involved in life and not isolating myself from everyone it meant meeting up with girlfriends, exploring new hobbies, exercising, creating new friendships and being available to others. I’m lucky enough to be in a position to travel frequently, never had I thought to attend an opera in Sicily, walk the old streets in beautiful Split, try local cuisine in Malta, walk the Pantheon grounds in Rome get lost in Venice, visit the oldest market in Istanbul, eat crepes under the Eiffel tower, paddle board in Majorca or treat Barcelona as a regular weekend getaway yet this was/is my reality.
Traveling reminded me that the world keeps moving and that it would be such a waste of time not to be present and enjoy life’s moments,
and as a force of habit whether traveling or in the more quiet days at home with Alex, deciding to remain present kept me grounded.
I learnt small accomplishments lead to greater goals being achieved,
remaining focused on being in the process of “trying” as oppose to thinking too far into the future of being pregnant or a mum or not being those things yet, helped me cope.
While I wished to be pregnant and couldn’t wait to be parenting I could only deal with my here and now of the time, which was a woman, doing everything medically required to get pregnant. So many friends encouraged me to buy, get organized for a baby but I didn’t want to take that excitement or milestone away from Alex or myself when we eventually did find out we were successfully pregnant. By not having physical reminders or buying for what didn’t exist yet helped me stay focused on the task at hand which was, getting through the morning blood test, the afternoon scan the week or so of hormone injections the implantation and the later waiting for results. I took it day by day week-by-week month by month which made it much more emotionally manageable.
That’s not to say there was no sadness during the process if that little ball of sadness made its way up and out of my tear ducts I’d let it out and feel so much better for it! However,
Remembering there were others whose trials were far greater than mine gave me perspective and stopped me from spiraling out of emotional control.
Above all, this entire experience gave me gratitude for what I all ready had what I was able to do and what lay ahead in our future. I knew it would only be a matter of time and so I continued over the course of 2 years actively being patient, living and remaining present, ticking off small accomplishments and acknowledging sadness when needed. I was living I was learning and I hoped to evolve.
The photos included in this post were taken during the time we were trying and traveling. My little hormone injections traveled everywhere with me without fail. When I look back on our travel photos from 2013-2015 it immediately reminds me of the 2 year struggle with fertility the pain, the stress and a lot of tears but it also reminds me of how really blessed I am to be living, the woman in these pictures had hope.
I was living, learning and evolving.
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