The past week has been a time for reflection on the past present and future somehow having a baby has made me contemplate a lot, even more so the week of his first birthday. I regularly look back through photos and video and immediately have memories flooding, tears usually follow (typical of me) and it’s very true what people say, time goes so fast our little slice of heaven my sunshine our little IVF miracle turned 1 and what a year its been!
I really had no comprehension that there are different levels to love until I had Ryder, it’s the type that makes you do things for someone other than yourself to the point of exhaustion without even thinking about what your sacrificing in time and energy. It’s the kind of love that’s selfless he is me and I am him, well at least thats how connected I feel there really is nothing like the love I have for him before he came he’s changed me.
While he was a little embryo, foetus, and waiting to enter the world I spent so much time reading about his development in the womb, I watched foetal animations all the time waiting with excitement. The greatest advice I was given was to continue reading on baby’s development once living outside of me. Its that development that requires a lot more understanding that most over look and as they progress through developmental stages it can be mistaken for bad behaviour, being clingy or being a ‘cry baby’ all the time. while that’s what I immediately see the reality is far greater than my perception he is discovering the world and how to live in it, I have to constantly remind myself take a breath cry give him a huge hug and kiss him to bits and carry on because at the end of the day it’s all progression for his little developing brain I totally get why moms need an outlet now…still trying to find one for me that doesn’t include a glass of something strong🍷 to take the edge off! (non-drinker here 👋)
I spoke a bit about learning the art of patience while we struggled with fertility treatment and having a baby has reminded me that; Ryder processes and filters my emotions too. It seems I’m learning to wait ‘calmly’ and have the capacity to accept things just aren’t going to happen when I like how I like without getting angry is getting easier.
Having Ryder has taught me about kindness, others wanting to help is not a sign of weakness as a mum I love feeling as if I have my stuff together but it’s nice to allow others in our support network to help, well give me a break really it’s the best remedy for a mum who feels like they may be on the edge of an ugly cry breakout.
I’ve learnt to appreciate what I have and not take life for granted, since his arrival all moments good or bad have the possibility of teaching me something about myself. It is an honour to be his mum I will always want to protect always want to trust my instincts but also be open to advice and am so hopeful for his future as I try to preserve so many of the memories because it’s so true time really does pass quickly.
I’m living, learning and evolving